Okay, so sometimes we ladies fib a little bit when we’re dating a guy. Not about the big stuff — like our name or what we do for a living. It’s not that we mean to be dishonest, it’s just that our politeness, insecurity or desire to dazzle get in the way of the truth. And sometimes, before we know it, we’ve told you we read all of David Foster Wallace’s books, when really we’ve only read all of DFW’s book jackets. We meant to read the books in their entirety, we just haven’t gotten around to it yet. Anyhow, what we’re trying to say is that we’re sorry for all the stupid lies we’ve told. We’re coming clean after the jump.

1. I’m totally over my ex. I’m still Facebook stalking him and fantasizing about him sexually on a regular basis, but other than that, he’s old news.
2. I haven’t had sex with anyone in a while. Last week is a while, right?
3. I’m not on anxiety meds. As long as you don’t look in my medicine cabinet, I’m not.
4. I really like bluegrass music. Yeah, I really like to laugh at people who listen to it.
5. I’m not looking for a relationship. My ass, I’m not. I just didn’t want to overwhelm you on our fourth date.
6. This scar on my thumb? Oh, I once cracked a beer bottle over a guy’s head when he grabbed my ass and the glass cut me. Actually, I broke a glass doing dishes and that’s how I cut my hand, but the bar fight story makes me seem like so much more of a badass.
7. Yeah, I surf. I surfed once.
8. You’re the only guy I’m dating. Today.
9. I’m not wearing any makeup right now. If you don’t count primer, foundation, concealer, blush and touch of eyeliner I have on, I am a natural beauty.
10. Of course I’ve read David Foster Wallace. The ‘ol DFW lie never hurt anyone. It’s not like you’re in a book club with him.
11. Ethiopian food sounds great. As long as you don’t plan on being anywhere near my butt afterwards.
12. I’ve never cheated. You don’t really need to know about the one time I kissed that guy at my sister’s wedding when we just started dating. You just wouldn’t get it.
13. Nice car. You drive a souped up El Camino with flame decals? Really?
14. It’s so sweet that you only listen to Incubus. Maybe “idiotic” is a better word choice.
15. I love your cooking. Yummy! Burnt scrambled eggs and too strong coffee for breakfast again!
16. Yeah, I had an orgasm. It’s funny how every guy claims to know the difference between a real and a fake one. Bwhahahahaha!

In the same way that knowing a few key questions makes it easier to navigate a foreign country ("Où est la toilette, s'il vous plait?"), a few rudimentary phrases can help see you out of a relationship rough patch.

Be honest: Says veteran marriage counselor Randi Gunther, Ph.D.: "In my 40 years of listening to couples, I've noticed that the best communicators use the same words, and I'm always surprised by how few people know them." Practice these if you want your relationship to last longer than the average trip to Paris.

1. "We're in this together." Says Gunther, "Marriage is full of trials. If your spouse tells you he lost his job, for example, you have less than five seconds to react in a way that bonds you and proves that your relationship is stronger than any difficulties. Let that window pass, and doubts arise."

2. "You're better at this than I am." "It's a huge asset to a relationship if both partners can own up to their weaknesses. If he's better in the kitchen, don't try to manage--step aside and thank him for cooking you something delicious!"

3. "I'm angry." "People often say they're not angry to avoid arguing, but that only prolongs a situation. Being able to express your emotions precisely and honestly gets you where you need to go faster."

4. "Please tell me what's going on." "This is the best thing you can say to open doors in an argument. It lets your partner know you're present, you're listening, and you want him to talk to you."

5. Anything you say face-to-face. "We live in an age where people tell computers and iPhones how they feel. Reading I'm sorry you're sad doesn't have the same effect as hearing those words and seeing the empathy. Couples who are actually there for each other, physically and emotionally, are much closer."

NewsFeed asked Grant Langston, eHarmony’s senior director of social media and advice blog coordinator, to walk us through the most overused phrases on online dating profiles. “Your challenge is standing out,” he says. “That’s really the game—you need to look different than the other 50 profiles that a person sees, and buzzwords are generic by nature.” Here, Langston lists the five useless phrases online daters should remove immediately:

1. “Down to earth.”
Well, first of all, I don’t even really know what it means. It’s going to vary from person to person, so the term is meaningless. I guess they’re trying to say they’re humble, but that definition is going to vary. It shows a lack of thoughtfulness about the profile that you’re writing. You’ve just filled in a bunch of catchphrases that you’ve heard. Even the most superficial, narcissistic person in the world thinks they’re down to earth, so that one is particularly ridiculous.

2,. “I love to laugh.”
Who doesn’t love to laugh? It’s another thing that’s completely meaningless. You think it shows that you might have a good sense of humor, but it’s just universal pulp.

3. “I just want a nice guy.”
The truth of the matter is, from what I’ve seen in my time here, women don’t really want a nice guy. They want him to be a nice person, but men who are just nice aren’t very interesting to most women—not for very long anyway. He needs to have something about him that’s compelling. He doesn’t need to be a bad boy or edgy, but that phrase on a dating profile doesn’t give a guy much information.

4. “I love life.”
That doesn’t help me anyway. What do you love about life? Sometimes people will say they love music. That’s just worthless. If you like punk bands, if you like Black Flag, tell me about that. Tell me about a show you went to, or how the music makes you feel. Give me a look inside your head because that’s what’s going to make you stand out. It’ll also give me questions to ask you when we finally do get together.

5. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”
Somehow, to this day, people still want to include that in their profile as a way of saying, “You know, I really don’t need this online dating thing. I really have a line of people who want to date me.” It’s a silly thing and it kind of degrades the process, and I’d love to see that go away.